One Man's Story
Personal Accounts of Men Under Siege
Civil Disobedience
(Originally appeared in Men's News Daily)
by Dale Johnson
I had read and heard stories about the way it used to be. Divorce
used to be a nightmare for fathers. I don’t mean “baby’s daddys”, I mean
real fathers. Men who wanted to be fathers to their children in every
sense of the word. From homework to their daughter's first menstrual
cycle. Somehow even as women fought for equality in a ‘man’ dominated
society, the courts never acknowledge female privilege in the family
courts of the land. But that was then, this was now. The courts were
finally granting custody to fathers. Some were even granted child
support. Books were being written, guest on talk shows booked. Surely
times were changing, no longer was a divorce like winning the lottery to
SOME mothers. Things were surely changing yet, ever so slowly. Much too
slow for me.
I should begin be acknowledging that I am fully aware that there is
another side of my story. There may be areas where like-minded
individuals may disagree but there are certain facts that are
irrefutable. What makes this process so revolting is that while certain
facts are not in dispute, still the verdict remains the same. The
primary principle fact is that the desires of my children were never
taken into consideration. Though the court had no problem with them
being left at home alone during the proceedings, somehow when it came to
being heard, they were not allowed to speak for themselves. My children
look to me for much more than financial support. I am their Daddy, their
number one playmate. The relationship we have is very special even from
the prospective of a most casual observer. My children know that they
never have to worry about anything, that Daddy will make everything
right. They are free to be children. The one thing that I do better than
anyone else in the world is being a Daddy to my children. I can never
allow this legal system to take that away from us. My children expect
more of me than that.
As I reconciled myself to the fact that my soon to be ex-wife was
preparing for life without me, I endeavored to the do the same. To that
end, my only request from the court was that I be allowed to rebuild my
life with a continued commitment to caring for each and every need of my
children. From the food they ate, to the healthcare they received, to
each and every soccer and piano practice. What I wanted was the
opportunity to establish a household, as did my ex-wife, so the children
could have two homes. All these requests have been denied by a legal
system antiquated in thought, made biased by culture and sustained by
disinterested bureaucrats.
Like everything else unfortunate, I imagined something like this
happening to other people. Mostly to strangers, every now and then to
friends or family but never to me. Though I had been warned, I still
believed society valued fathers beyond that of mere financial support
through the mother.
The initial meeting with my attorney was the first time I actually
became afraid. Though she had the best of intentions I could see that
she had already been so tainted by the process that she began asking me
to consider concessions to my ex before I even gave her my version of
the story. From the moment I entered the courtroom I felt the
overwhelming weight of the burden of proof and the pre-condemned verdict
of society. There is an immediate stigma attached to a father in these
situations, which only intensifies when the father is a Black man. The
story is only told of those fathers who are running away from their
responsibility. They are the ones that make the TV and radio talk shows.
Statistics are kept to track those kind of fathers but no one can tell
you the number of fathers who are fighting and struggling against a
gender bigoted society for the right to care for their children. Truly,
we are the silent majority. Made silent by a legal system and a society
that refuses to hear our voice or acknowledge our presence. Society
gives its attention to those other kind of fathers who shirk
responsibility. They are the ones who get the press, while real fathers
get pressed by the inequities of the legal system. The courts get drawn
into that ‘Lifetime TV – Oprah - Waiting to Exhale’ media creation of
men. Especially Black men. I am not playing any race cards but I am
slamming down the gender card.
What is even more disturbing than the position that the courts take
when they infer that women are more capable of caring for children based
solely on their gender is the presumption that in order to care for
their children, divorced fathers must first take care of their mother,
his ex-wife.
If I had confidence that any monies I gave to my ex would go for the
care and welfare of my children, I would give her whatever she desired
and more. There would be no limit to what I would sacrifice for that
endeavor. Yet, even during the separation when I contributed to the care
of her household, I was still getting calls from my children that they
could not go to the movies or get their hair done because “mommy says
she doesn’t have any money.” I am not begrudging my ex anything she may
desire but, never at the expense of the children and their needs;
specifically, a college fund, life insurance coverage or a trip to Six
Flags every now and then. The system could never convince me that a
father who makes payments to his ex-wife who then uses those funds to
purchase patio furniture, landscaping, hair and nail care are benefits
to the children. I vehemently protest the courts forcing me to
supplement the purchase of such items under the pretense of sustaining a
material life style to which my children are accustomed. My children are
accustomed to seeing their father every day, that is the life style that
they want sustained. My children want a puppy. When I purchase that
puppy for the home I am creating for my children—and I will—is it then
the position of the court, under the farce they are asking me to
consent, that I should petition for my ex to supply a bag of puppy chow
a month? I can see the judge now trying to determine which is most
beneficial to the children, a puppy or a chaise lounger.
After hearing of the judge’s decision I had never had such a feeling
of total helplessness. This had to be a mistake; surely that ruling was
for the couple before us. Frustrated as hell and fresh out of funds to
mount another legal campaign, I turned to where most of us turn to when
we are in trouble, the Internet. As I began my search through site after
site on support groups, legal aid groups et al I found a very curious
disparity between the sites that were assisting women and those
assisting men. The sites assisting women focused on making sure that
women were aware of the advantages that the divorce/child support
process has available to them. The sites for men, well their focus was
on how to protect men from the advantages the system gives women. I
found no sites whose focus was on how to make the system fair for
children.
She bought a house for she and the children, allow me to do the same.
She is in a position to nurture and care for them on a daily basis,
grant me the same privilege. I will live within my means; have the same
expectations of her. Money is not the issue no matter how the courts
attempt to make it so. Real fathers will give their children everything
anytime. The only thing real fathers are asking is that the divorce
court field of play be made level. That it not be skewed simply because
of our ability to grow facial hair. That the system be fair and
equitable, and that the game be called with the well-being of the
children at heart and not done so for the sake of expediency. If the
field is not made fair than the legal system perpetuates the use of the
children as pawns, bargaining chips, translators or even weapons to be
used by one parent against the other. Divorce is another type of
relationship. And as such can be deemed good or bad by the participates.
Children need both parents. Children do not need any federally funded
study to know this. In a divorce relationship the focus should be on
making sure that the children continue to have both parents. The courts
should have more of a focus on insuring that that is the case rather
than weighing and determining what is best for the children as it
addresses the needs of the mother. An argument can always be made for
staying in a bad marriage for the sake of the children. Far be it for me
to judge such things. I guess every marriage has problems but, then
there are those marriages that are ‘sleep in a separate bedroom on
another floor of the same house’ bad. As bad marriages can be
detrimental to a child’s emotional health, so too can bad divorces,
unfair divorces. Do not be mistaken; even children know when something
is unfair.
There is no place for the law in a divorce when children are
concerned. Laws focus on its own existence, on the anticipated effect of
its ruling. Rarely does the law focus on fair versus unfair, moral
versus immoral, its focus is on the law. When it pertains to my children
I want the law to focus on right versus wrong, not on any legal
precedence. The law should never decide on the type of relationship any
parent should have with their child based on historical evidence of any
other similar relationship or attach some mathematical formula to the
worth of that relationship.
The legal system is truly blind and insensitive when it comes to the
rights of divorced father. Blind to our capabilities to love and
nurture, insensitive to the hurt we feel when someone else dictates when
our children may call or spend time with us. A father’s tears are just
as wet and salty as a mother’s, yet her tears touch the heart of a
society so entrenched in its own parochial way of thinking that the
legal system is compelled to yield to its concerns and ignore the tears
of the father. Hiding behind the guise of sociological studies and the
need to deal with such cases as expediently as possible, it justifies
the decisions it makes by following laws that were developed to serve
the needs of the system rather those of the children, fathers or
mothers.
We real Fathers should never allow the legal system to devalue our
worth as fathers. Or to make irrelevant the impact we have on the lives
of our children. We owe that much to our children. We cannot afford to
stand by any longer and accept what is because it has always been that
way. Our children are worth the battle. It is an uncomfortable war but
one that for too long has been avoided. I have no doubt that there are
women, Real mothers, who have found themselves in the same situation.
Feeling just as disinherited by a legal system that faults them because
they were possibly viewed, by the same flawed courts, as placing their
careers before their children. I can only speak to the apathy I feel for
their plight. I understand their pain and feeling of betrayal but never
could I begin to truly articulate their misery. Each of us real parents
must find a way to wage our war against the inequities of this system.
Passively allowing the system to have control over the type of
relationships we have with our children is no longer a viable option. As
virtuous as the courts may perceive themselves to be, they care much
more about the law than about the welfare of the participates,
especially the children.
I have chosen to fight my battle of this war by simply saying no. No
to the judge, the court and legal system that will not listen to the
concerns of my children and views me as less than half the worth of a
mother. I have taken this stance against the recommendations of legal
counsel, therapist and my older sister. I have sometimes struggled to
insure that I am taking the appropriate stance for the appropriate
reasons. I realize that in circumstances such as this an out of control
ego can see martyr where inflexibilities truly exist. The reality is
that the system will never change unless it is forced to do so by those
who passively perpetuate its existence, men. Still, the sacrifices that
I know I will make affect more than my individual issues. My children
say that they understand. I know that they don’t really but they love me
enough to say that they do. I am not fighting against the inequities of
the system as much as I am fighting for their future, financially and
morally. I do not consider myself a martyr; I am just simply a member of
another silent majority, shouting as loud as I can hoping someone hears
a whisper.
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