Do you take this woman? No Way!
After two decades of persecution in family courts, men
are rebelling against marriage.
By
Candis McLean
Imagine a sequel to the popular romantic comedy
Sleepless in Seattle. It turns out that Meg Ryan was a
rapacious barracuda who tracked Tom Hanks down only to take him for
everything he had. That is the scenario many men today are living; the
result, they say, is a growing male mutiny against marriage—indeed
against romantic involvement of any kind.
"Men have always said they go to the bar to get lucky. But today
it means that he goes to the bar, meets a woman, and comes home alone,"
states Greg Kershaw, founder of
Fathers Are Capable Too
(FACT), a seven-year-old Toronto-based support group for divorced men
denied access to their children. "It's a whole general feeling. Men
are divorcing earlier than they used to, so they have the ability to
form second families, but they don't. They deliberately date women who
have no marriage potential. At singles' dances for 30- to 40-year-olds,
it's always two to three women to every man, with the women in hot
pursuit. The guys feel like there are predators everywhere. But
considering the potential problems—sexually transmitted diseases, women
looking to get pregnant, and men having qlready lost contact with their
children—why go out and have more kids you can't see?"
Male resistance to marriage, which was once nothing more than
bachelor bravado, has in recent years become a political statement and
an article of faith within the so-called "men's movement." The Internet
is awash in men's rights websites, many of which urge males not to marry
or have children. Bookstore shelves are filling up with books that
deliver the "Don't marry. Don't have children" message to young men.
The admonition springs from the assumption that men are victims of what
political science professor
Stephen
Baskerville of
Howard University in Washington, D.C., terms "the most massive civil
rights abuse of our time." [1]
Book titles include Lost Fathers: The Politics of
Fatherlessness in America and
The Father's Emergency Guide to Divorce-Custody Battle. The
latter is billed as a "militant exposé" that goes well beyond the usual
allegations of anti-male discrimination in the courts to charge that
family courts are operating a profit-making racket in children, at men's
expense.
With that kind of rhetoric moving beyond the fringe and into the
main-stream, it is not surprising that men are becoming gun-shy of
marriage. Monsignor Marshal LeBlanc, a Catholic priest conducting a
street ministry in Prince Albert, Sask., says the phenomenon is real and
growing. "Men are feeling, "I won't get involved," he says. "The
judicial system seems to favor women, and once justice is not served
well, there are endless consequences. I've seen women purposefully get
hold of a man just for what he had. Just a few [such cases] can create
waves, because once it hits the common knowledge of people, they're just
not sure they're entering a relationship on valid human terms-that
people are getting married for each other rather than what they have.
There's a real breakdown in trust between men and women," he concludes.
"It's scary."
Statistics map the rebellion's quickening march.
Statistics Canada reports that the number of marriages per year
dropped 18% between 1989 and 1996. If the trend continues, the marriage
rate in English Canada will soon match Quebec's, where only one person
in three is expected to marry. The nationwide divorce rate, meanwhile,
is one for every 2.4 marriages, and the rate of remarriage is in
decline. Men still remarry at more than twice the rate of women—45 out
of 1,000 compared to 19 out of 1,000—but this is changing rapidly. The
rate of remarriage for men plummeted 28% in the five years ending in
1996, while the rate of remarriage for women tumbled 15%.
The end result is more people living alone because, although the
number of common-law relationships increased by 28% between 1991 and
1996, it does not offset the decrease in the number of marriages and
remarriages. In the same five-year period, the number of individuals of
marriageable age who were not living in a union increased by 10.7%.
There are four factors for the soaring numbers living solo, according to
Statscan: first unions are being postponed, marriages are less durable
than in the past, common-law relationships are even less durable than
marriages, and remarriages are decreasing.
Many observers charge that the courts are largely to blame for the
mutiny against marriage. The marriage rate began its dramatic plunge in
the mid 1980s, coincident with "the invasion of the feminist ideology in
family law," according to Liberal
Senator Anne Cools. "You can see the turnaround as you read, the
judgments," says the woman who has become the unofficial leader of the
men's rights movement in Canada. "Family law is no place for ideology."
A COMPAS poll
commissioned by Southam News and the
National Foundation for Family Research and Education (NFFRE) in
Calgary conducted in October found that 62% of Canadian men and women
believe that the rights of fathers are neglected in divorce courts.
Pollster Conrad Winn told the Ottawa Citizen, "I can't find an
adjective to describe the intensity of public dismay over family issues
and the unfulfilled rights of fathers and children. I'm surprised
because these issues haven't been on the agenda of Canadian politics for
a very long time. The most astonishing thing is the absolute consensus
among men and women about how the rights and obligations of fathers and
children are being ignored."
Arizona State University psychologist
Sanford
Braver reached similar conclusions while researching his new book,
"Divorced Dads: Shattering the Myths." "Not a single father thought
that the [court] system favored them in the slightest, and three times
as many mothers thought it favored mothers as thought it favored
fathers." Explains Prof. Braver: "Women feel more satisfied with their
divorce for two reasons: because they are more likely to get the deal
they want than men. are, and because they feel they have greater
influence over the settlement process."
While men's groups, along with a surprising number of women, have
been trying for years to signal these dangers to the unsuspecting legal
and political system, most will not join the mutiny, against marriage
until personally traumatized by its breakdown. "Men are more cautious
about marriage for internal reasons, like their own parents having
divorced," states Mark Genuis, executive director of NFFRE. "Outside
cautions are not going to stop someone getting married. I have yet to
have a client who got married thinking they were going to get
divorced." His point is exemplified by Prince Edward who last week
announced his engagement to Sophie Rhys-Jones. Asked if he faced extra
pressure as a result of all three of his siblings' first marriages
ending in divorce, Prince Edward replied, "I think if anybody's going to
get married, I hope they think that they are going to get it right.' As
for internal reasons making men more cautious, an Angus Reid poll in
1994 found that those whose parents have divorced or separated are "most
likely to be content to be single."
"In excess of 50% of men today do not see marriage in their
future, and of those who do see it in their future, they don't see it
forever; just temporary,' says FACT founder Kershaw. "There's no
empirical evidence yet, but lots of anecdotal evidence as to why they
feel it's not in their best interest to get married. The problem is men
have no protection: they can marry a lovely person and then something
changes and with a snap of her fingers, they're financially wiped out.
I wish we had a national study on [men's plans regarding marriage], but
there's no political will because people in government don't want to
know this; they might feel action must be taken."
Second families, too, suffer the effects of an unbalanced
settlement. When I first became involved with Greg six years ago, he
was completely devastated emotionally and financially by the divorce and
the loss of his daughter," says Nardina Grande, Mr. Kershaw's common-law
wife. "His home had been evaluated at $310,000 with equity of
$170,000. When it sold, he got a cheque for $2,100; the lawyer and his
ex-wife got the rest. And this is after a marriage that lasted one
year, one month and 14 days. She was very charming; he dated her for
three years but didn't see her that often. She told terrible stories
about her first marriage and he believed the victimology, but she was
actually the victimizer." Ms. Grande wonders now what she would tell
her son if he came to her for advice about marriage. "It's a risk for
the male because he could lose everything. I'm hoping things will
change for the better if the silent majority is made aware of how things
are. Divorce is selling your child, putting dollars on her head; a lot
of people make money off the child."
Ms. Grande testified before the joint Commons-Senate committee
which last month tabled proposed changes to the Divorce Act. "As
radical as it sounds, I said, "Get rid of child support; the child
should be paid for by whomever the child is with. The government
shouldn't be involved in divorce. It creates a hostile environment that
makes everyone else rich and drains the family. So many people I know
have died following divorce: people get cancer, commit suicide. It's a
scary legacy we're leaving our children. I hope by the time our son
gets to college, divorce will be looked at with blind justice and
gender balance."
Ms. Grande agrees with her husband that men today avoid marriage
because they no longer benefit. "Thirty years ago men had a stable
relationship, companionship, sex, and children they could see till they
reached old age. Now there is divorce, marital rape, sexual abuse of
children—it's just really ugly. Men do want to commit but they're not
sure if they can keep their kids or even influence them. If I were a
man today, I don't know if I'd have the courage to get into another
relationship. I'd be too afraid."
For
instance, Jean Colisimo, 44, has lost his home and family and is now
back living in his parents' basement in Toronto. He has spent $80,000
in legal fees over the past seven years trying to see his now
eight-year-old daughter. "I wasn't made to go through life without my
little girl," he mourns. "I recall one time when I drove her home; she
grabbed my face with her hands and said, 'I love you daddy, but don't
tell mommy.' I haven't seen her since she was 3½. It's unthinkable not
to be able to see your child." Mr. Colisimo is a loud part of the mutiny
against marriage; his poetry has been published in the [Toronto] Globe &
Mail and recited before the Cools commission. "I'd like to go to schools
and tell people that not only does AIDS kill, but marriage can kill.
It's made me emotionally and psychologically sick. I used to travel to
Australia with airmiles earned on the job [as a beverage distributor for
western Canada]. Now I'm broken. I find myself sitting and rocking a
lot. I can't work, I'm on welfare, I don't want a relationship—what for?
I don't trust women." Mr. Colisimo says unbalanced divorce settlements
have "shifted the parameters" for relationships. "Because there was no
benefit to marriage, men didn't want to get married, so we shacked up.
Then the government said if we shacked up for six months or a year, we
were as good as married. So we had to back off further, keep our
residence and just stay overnight. You don't want to be considered a
father to her children or you're on the hook for support. Men are
coming and going out of women's lives because we reward people for not
being in relationships. The 'Me Generation' is becoming just that:
totally isolated with occasional hookups for sex but no emotional
involvement. I can't think of a single reason to get married unless
women are going to hold tough and say they're not going to put out
unless they're married." His "crusade," he says, is to "touch every
person one by one and let them know, that women 'own' children. And be
careful. Don't ever fall in love with your own kid."
The
Best
Parent
is
BOTH
Parents!
_______________________________________________________________________________________
We appreciate your visit, and value
your feedback! How can we make our site better? It would be very
helpful to know how you found us, what you were looking for when you
stopped by, whether you found the information here helpful, and what
suggestions you may have for future enhancements. If you experienced
any technical problems accessing portions of the site, If you found
a mistake, or have a suggestion as to how we can make this site
better, please let us know. Thanks!
Ron Jagannathan Webmaster
& Communications, fathersforvirginia.org
