reprinted with permission
Advice To Judges: Just Say "No"
ByDon
Bieniewicz
Family court judges need to be the last line of defense for children
when their family ties are at risk.
When divorcing parents come to a family court judge and each says, "I
am the better parent. Take away the parental rights of the other parent
and make me the only parent, the sole custodian of my kids," the judge
should look them both in the eye and just say, "No."
The judge should say to the parents:
"Is either of you both a mommy and a daddy? No.
"Is either of you alone capable of giving your children all the
mother's and father's love and guidance and protection to which they are
entitled? No.
"Is either of you alone capable of connecting your children to both
their sets of grandparents and all their aunts and uncles and cousins —
their full family heritage? No.
"Can either of you alone be loved by your children in the different
ways that children love their mother and their father? No.
"The answer to all these questions is the same. No.
"You are adults. You may no longer wish to be married. You may wish
to divorce. You have the right to do this. But you must act responsibly
towards your kids. They are not adults. They have children's needs that
only both their mommy and their daddy can satisfy.
"So I will answer your requests with a simple 'No'.
"You, sir, will remain your children's father. You, madam, will
remain your children's mother. Absent clear and convincing evidence that
either of you is a threat to your children, this is my decision. Look
after your children, both of you. They need you both. Don't let them
down.
"Learn to work together on this. If I do have to remove custody from
one of you, it will be because you have interfered with or attempted to
undermine the other parent in their contact with, parenting of, or
relationship with their children. Remember that.
"This time I am just saying, 'No.' Next time you try to separate your
children from the other parent, without evidence of criminal neglect or
abuse, you will be punished.
"Give your children the greatest gift you can, the freedom to love
their other parent. Support them in this. Do not let your personal
feelings toward your ex-spouse hurt your children. When these bad
feelings surface and attempt to motivate you to say or do things that
would hurt your children, look those feelings firmly in the eye and just
say, 'No.'"
Don Bieniewicz is a public policy analyst in Washington, DC. He is
the author of the Children's Rights Council's model child support
guideline that was published in 1994 by the US Department of Health and
Human Services in "Child Support Guidelines: The Next Generation." As an
improvement over current state guidelines, besides considering the costs
of the children to the custodial parent, the model guideline also
specifically considers the child-related tax benefits received by the
custodial parent and the child costs incurred by the non-custodial
parent, in determining a fair and appropriate child support award.
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